What if the messages about needing to find “the One” are wrong? What if you discover that you’re enough just as you are? And if you meet someone who resonates with you in the same happy zone, then you can dance and play together but without being codependent. And what if you love someone one just because. Not out of neediness. Or out of expectation of happily-ever-after, or out of desire to be filled up and completed by that incredible “other”? What if you are enough? And the rest — if you find that great partner, is simply a bonus. Icing on the cake.
Would thinking like this rock your world? It does mine. I grew up bombarded with ideas that unless a man made up the central focal point of my life, then why bother. I grew up with ingrained ideas that said unless you have a partner, then you’re a nobody. But know what? I discovered that’s simply not true. There’s more to life than relying on a man to complete me. In fact, wholeness is an inside job that no one else can do for me or you or anyone.
Maybe you remember the oh-so-romantic words from the film “Jerry Maguire” where Tom Cruise tells Renee Zellweger, “You complete me.” It touched my soul to hear this. But after a couple of really painful relationship experiences, where I tried relating to a partner in that way, I found that thinking like that was a disservice to myself — and to the man in my life. What a lot of pressure to put on someone else — to expect they will make me happy, fulfilled, or complete. Happiness is an inside job. No one else can do it for you. I discovered this when someone I loved so intensely said, “You make me unhappy.” I knew his words lied. I couldn’t even make him take out the trash! So how could I make him unhappy?! And ditto in reverse.
So it starts inside. With me whole and alive first. Don Miguel Ruiz affirms this so beautifully in his book, “The Mastery of Love.” Love is everyone’s birthright. It is the very essence of who we are, so why go searching for it in someone else? Just be love and everything else comes together just right.
This doesn’t mean there’s no need for partnership. It simply means we don’t rely on the other or on any outer conditions for happiness. Wow! That is liberating! But it takes practice. Imagine starting a relationships from a place of wholeness and contentment instead of frustration and neediness. I like that idea. Of being happy without depending on outer conditions. Ahh. It takes the pressure off.
Copyright Debra Moffitt, 2015. Reuse or republishing in any form is not authorized without prior written permission. See the “About Debra” page for info and contact details.