Mr. Forgetful Denies Kissing

Fifty different hearts experience love 50 different ways.
Fifty different hearts experience love 50 different ways.

Dear Debra,

A guy kissed me and then two weeks later, Mr. Forgetful ended up with another girl he’s known for a long time who he works with. When I confronted him with this and asked why he kissed me and led me on and why he didn’t tell me about the other girl, he says he didn’t remember the beautiful kisses and he was in an “open” relationship! I had told him I only go for monogamy.

We hugged and kissed twice on the mouth at a public concert — and both times he’s the one who sought me out in a crowded room and took the initiative. I enjoyed it. For sure, he wasn’t drunk or drugged. His now girlfriend was there too and I felt her trying to push me away.

He also says that I pursued him and kissed him another time, when he’s clearly the one who did the pursuing and initiated the kissing. I willingly participated and kissed back. There’s a very strong attraction between us and we’ve spent some time alone over dinners and making out too.

Please help me to understand this weird version of selective forgetting. Or is it denial?

It’s not a big deal, but I liked him a lot and he sowed lots of confusion since we first met several months ago. He was hot on me when I was away traveling and texted non-stop, but ran scared when we were in the same city. I value my emotional life and feel I’m worth more than this. I’d rather not repeat this kind of experience again. So I’d really like to understand. But I must admit that I felt a deep sigh of relief when I knew he was with someone else, like a wise part of me knew I was off the hook and free of his madness.

Dumbfounded in Dicksburg.

Dear Dumbfounded,

The male psyche is a strange and complex thing. Mr. Forgetful clearly liked you or he wouldn’t have been attracted to spend time with you and kiss you in the first place. But why does a guy deny doing something pleasurable and fun? And where’s the confusion coming from?  Let’s explore the possibilities:

1) Disconnection from Emotions: Some guys live in their heads and find that delving into emotions and connecting heart to heart is as intimidating as hell and beyond their control. If he felt scared of the sexual energies and powerful emotions stirred up between you, he may have gone into denial mode later on and split the heart from the head. Some guys simply find it too scary to love the woman they want to have sex with. Better for you to not have gotten involved with a guy who’s not capable of bringing the two together.

“Rejection is God’s protection.” I don’t remember who said that, but it’s true. Even though forgetting is not rejection, the universe is protecting you from getting involved with someone who is not mature enough to bring all of the pieces of himself together in a relationship, and you deserve much better!

But maybe there were other reasons like:

2) Fear: If he’s not very comfortable with women, he may have chosen a girl he was more familiar with even if he liked you more. Kissing you in public was “safe” and non-threatening. He knew he wouldn’t have to perform. Since he ended up with the familiar girl a short time later, he might have conveniently “forgotten” the deep feelings for you out of fear that they might threaten his current relationship.

3) Shame: he has a hard time coping with his sexual feelings and denies them — at least with you. Maybe his mom shamed him about his sexual life.

4) He’s a flat out game-player. Conscious or not, a guy who kisses, and then denies ever doing it has some issues and should be kept out of your emotional life if you value sanity and clarity.

5) Maybe you were giving mixed signals: Did you really like him and tell him? If so, then good for you. If not, then next time some straight talk might be in order with the next guy you kiss. Know what you want and go for it without being pushy or demanding. Allow rather than force. Truly check in with your emotions and your heart to discover where you’re at and what’s right for you. The confusion you felt at being around him and that sigh of relief you felt when you discovered he was no longer free are huge signs! And this experience helped you to clarify more of what you want and what you’re no willing to tolerate. Good job! And I’m promoting you from “Dumbfounded” to “Divinely Delighted”.

May your future kissing partners love you better and remember and savor every luscious kiss!

Happy kissing,

Debra

Copyright Debra Moffitt, June 2015. No part of this may be reused or printed without prior permission.

Bio: Debra Moffitt has had two wonderful marriages and two okay divorces. She’s lived with several partners and her last boyfriend was about fifteen years younger than she was, which makes him over 20! Debra secretly studies human nature and loves men and respects them. And she aims to help women and men connect better in relationships — and also to bring a little humor to it. A laugh almost always soothes the heart.

Debra's book,
Debra’s book, “Garden of Bliss” won an IPPY Silver Medal award.
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